5 Ways To Make the Michael Phelps Game Good

Upon news that there will be a videogame made in the honor of Michael Phelps, I immediately thought, “Wow, this game is going to be ass.” But, I try to be an objective and fair journalist, taking into consideration the belief that every development team tries to make truly great games. Obviously, that isn’t the case in the gaming industry, but it’s a nice thought.

So in the spirit of blind optimism, I actually thought through the ways in which Michael Phelps: Ultimate Alien Swimming Machine – that’s the name I came up for it – could actually be half decent.

5. Dolphin Chase Training Mode

Since it’s already pretty well established that Michael Phelps is not human – or at least a traditional human – then we can also establish that there is no point in him training against humans. In that case, I propose that 505 Games steps up to the plate and lets you train versus dolphins in the open expanse of the ocean. After all, he’s practically the closest step toward the human evolution toward the dolphin species. So, why not have him chase down dolphins for his training?

4. 12,000 Calorie Diet Simulator

According to a FOX News report back during the Olympic games, Michael Phelps reportedly ate 12,000 calories per day. Those kinds of stats put the most obese and lazy gamer to shame, and his diet is the first I’ve heard of that rivals Amadeo’s. Given how crucial a diet is to an athlete, I think it’s crucial to include this important aspect of the Phelp’s training regimen into the game.

My proposal? Have Phelps swim through the ocean gobbling up fish like a whale. Or place the level in a grocery store and navigate Phelps through the aisles punching old women before stealing their groceries.

3. Career Resurrection Mode

Sure, Michael Phelps is pretty popular but Olympic athletes just don’t have the staying power of athletes from our typical everyday sports leagues. The Olympics come and go, and the four year lull in between the Games provides ample opportunity for Phelps to slip back into irrelevance.

In Career Resurrection Mode, you play as both Phelps and his publicist as you try to set up big advertising sponsorships, shoot commercials, and work on charities in order to try and keep yourself in the spotlight. If all else fails, you can record a sex tape as a last ditch effort to remain popular. If your video includes another obscure celebrity in need of desperate media attention, you can gain double the money if they become popular following the video’s release.

2. STD Avoidance Mini-Game

A little known fact about the Olympics is that it’s “just as much about sex as it was about sport,” at least according to former Olympian Matthew Syed in an article for the UK’s Times Online. Given Phelps status as the arguably the greatest Olympian of all-time with the 8 Gold medals he snagged at the ‘08 Games, he surely is a hot commodity for the leagues of tanned, toned female Olympians and groupies.

But with so much casual sex comes the possibility of contracting an STD, so there should definitely be a mode in which you must selectively choose the women you sleep with. The more STD-free encounters you string together, the higher you score – pun intended – until you do catch one. And when that happens, much like in real life, that’s pretty much game over.

1. Wii Motion Swimming Controls

In the #1 slot is probably our most serious proposition: give players the ability to simulate Phelps’ Gold medal-winning stroke using the Wii’s motion controls. It would be very easy to pull off, and could actually make at least ONE version of the game semi-interesting.

Related posts:

1. Using Colons in Video Game Titles: What’s the Big Idea?
2. 50 Millionth PS2 Symbolizes PS3’s Errant Ways